Do you overinvest in relationships with emotional vampires?
I love when ‘hopeless romantics’ try to impress me with
their dedication to emotional self-harm. Not to impress
me as the object of their affection, of course. Nobody is
that cooked in the head.
No, I get the emo full Monty when they’re outlining their
dedication to the ‘love of their life’ and everything they
would do for this person. They go full Bruno Mars on the
situation: ‘catch a grenade’ this, ‘throw hands on blades’
that … and, of course, lover wants nothing to do with
them.
Hence the reason for the plaintive ‘what do I do to get
him/her back’ question, which is something that kicked
off this column for me.
I got this guy calling in: He loves her so much etc, she’s
the love of his life blah blah … but she needs a break,
some space and she’s moving on. Of course, he wants
her back and so he told her that he would keep fighting
for their love and that he would always be there for her.
What? Why?
Why would you offer this level of investment to someone
who’s already sold up and left the building? Why would
you keep chasing someone who left the race two laps in?
Actually, don’t answer that because if any of this is
ringing true for you I know what you’re going to say. And
it’s going to be something like: ‘Yes, but I love him’. Well,
weebooweeboo. Not everything you love is good for you. I
loved smoking. I gave it my time, money, health, and
energy. In return? It gave me phlegm, a bad chest, and
smelly clothes. No amount of loving smoking was going
to change that fact.
‘Loving someone’ is not a good enough reason to stay in,
or chase, a relationship with an emotionally unavailable
person. It’s not a good enough reason to keep giving
more than your share. Because you can’t love for both of
you. You’ll just end up emotionally, mentally and
physically depleted. People talk about ‘emotional
vampires’, but who’s the one baring the neck each time?
A healthy relationship happens between people who are
equally emotionally committed. That means, you both want
in, you’re both emotionally and physically available, and
you both share your vulnerabilities. The minute this stops
being the case – whether it’s a month or 10 years into
your relationship – you need to reassess what your
situation is.
If you’re giving your love, and all the iterations of care this
comes in, to someone who is not returning the favour,
you’re not being a romantic hero, you’re being a fool. The
more you have to give to balance out the love scale, the
more unbalanced it is.
You’re not being a hopeless romantic, you’re just being
hopeless.
And that might be your vibe. After all, who doesn’t like an
occasional pity party? But a 24/7 event where you’re the
only guest and have Bruno and Adele on repeat? Nah
thanks. I’d rather have a smoke.
Created at 2016-04-30 05:57:32
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